Sunday, November 3, 2013

Cracked Roast and Other Things

. . . The other things, first.
First, nooooo talk of seizures today (well, I goofed that up already, didn't I?)  :) 
But really, there truly is more to life than seizures . . . however, since I did mention it and for those of y'all who are wanting a count, today marks just 4 days shy of 16 full weeks of being seizure-free.   The utter bliss of it all! WooHoo!  Yay!!  And thank You, Lord!  Let's keep those weeks turning into months, turning into years.
One more health "thing" for today; and then on with talking about cracked roast (are ya intrigued yet?).
I had a skin cancer check done earlier this week.  There have been spots popping up on my arms, legs and various other sundry skinful places lately ("lately", as in over the past several months) - and even more so than "usual"  I've had spots appear here and there for years (decades, even); that wasn't the unusual part.  The unusual part was the speed and prolification of these illustrious, uhm, friends.
Y'all will be glad to know (as was I) that none of the spots are cancerous; I'm merely going through an anomaly that the medical field likes to call "aging".  The nerve! 
Spotted Sharmies, by the way, are pretty rare, I hear.  In fact, I'm the only one that I personally know of.  I'm thinking of selling T-shirts to commemorate this new phase of my life.  Y'all can all wear them to help promote awareness.  They'll be fuchsia pink in color with pale brown spots splattered here and there.  The front of the t-shirt will proclaim:  "I spotted Sharmie today; have you?"  Whatcha think?  Pretty catchy, right?  I'm sure I'll need to order several thousand for the first printing.
Hmmm . . . :) 
So!  At any rate, I'm deeming myself healthy and am moving forward!
OK - on with talking about cracked roast.  Not "crack" roast; I'm not now infusing my dinners with drugs; let's be clear on that. 
Cracked roast.
This is a recipe that Tex and I created yesterday.  I'm pretty excited to share it with y'all.  I hope y'all like it!
This recipe needs to be followed exactly; it's pretty precise.
Oh - and you'll need a helper for this recipe; that part is crucial.  My helper was, of course, Tex.  Your helper can be your spouse, your significant other, your friend, your boss, your co-worker, your business partner, your client; absolutely whomever you choose.
When sharing recipes with y'all, I normally like to list the ingredients first and then the instructions.  Today, I'm going to list the recipes throughout the instructions.
Let's get going!
  1. Around noon, take the chuck roast that has been thawing all morning, and put it in the crock pot.  Add a bit of sea salt, some white pepper and some cloves of garlic (I used about 4 of them - we love garlic).  Add water, cover the lid and set the roast to cook for 5 hours on low.
  2. During all of this, your helper will need to be doing yard work in the front yard.  This is very important; do not skip this step.
  3. After you get the roast going, retreat to your studio for the next several hours to catch up on a few things.  If you don't have a studio, build one.  Again, this is a very important step that must be done if you want the recipe to be a success.
  4. About 5 hours later, go check on the roast.  It is at this stage of cooking that you should notice the lid to the crock pot is completely shattered.  Completely.  Every single millimeter of it.  It will take you a few seconds to mentally process what you're seeing.  Then, you will probably quickly offer up a prayer of thanks to Our Father that the crock pot lid was made out of safety glass; and that even though the entire lid is shattered into bits, it remained "intact and whole" and there were no bits of glass on the counter top or on the floor.  Better still, there were only 1 or 2 pieces of glass in the roast that is happily cooking in the crockpot.
  5. Walk outside to your helper (who is still doing yard work).  Smile sweetly to Helper Person, and inform them that you require their assistance inside for a bit.  I said something along the lines of "Sweeeettiiieeeee . . . would you come inside please; it's important and I need your help."  You may use this particular conveyance if you'd like; but do please be aware that depending on who your helper is, you might want to modify the nickname to something more appropriate for them . . . unless your business partner or employer enjoys being called pet names - that completely between y'all.
  6. This next step is VERY important.  The two of y'all should now stand in front of the crock pot and look at it, then at each other.  Repeat this a couple of times.  Think incredulous; that's the mood you want to project; and then speak that with your eyes and facial expressions.
  7. Helper Person will then lift the lid oh-so-very-carefully off of the crock pot so as to not allow any of the shattered glass bits to fall into the dinner.  You will then plate the roast, take it over to the sink and then wash it thoroughly to remove any particles of glass that may have fallen down into the crock pot and onto the meat.  I didn't consider it necessary to use soap for this task; but I'll leave that part to your discretion; it is, afterall, YOUR dinner, not mine.
  8. Then select your large strainer and hold it over a bowl while Helper Person  pours the liquid from the crock pot into the strainer.  Discard anything remaining in the strainer.
  9. Place meat and liquid into second crock pot.  Now would be an appropriate time to thank Our Father again; this time for owning two crock pots in the first place.
  10. Kiss Helper Person (again, this step may vary a bit with you; it depends on the specific relationship you and Helper Peson have with each other.  Tex and I thought a kiss was most appropriate at that particular juncture).
  11. This is the step where Helper Person goes out into the garage to air up your tires on your tri-wheeler, while you hurry to put on trike-friendly shoes so you can zip up to the grocery store before it gets dark.  One cannot have roast without onions and mushrooms, doncha know.
  12. After airing your tires (well, actually, your trike's tires), Helper Person can now go back outside and resume yard-working.
  13. While you're triking to the store, realize how incredibly windy it is and that the wind is definitely not at your back, but in front of you, creating a resistance.  As is the case whenever this happens, pretend you're at a Bob Seger concert and rock your best version of "Against the Wind."  Smile at the passerbys in cars as they drive past you; it will give them something to ponder for a few moments.
  14. Once you arrive at the store, respond to a phone call from Helper Person who tells you to call y'all's youngest daughter to chat with her about the ingredient measurements in your chicken and dumpling recipe (of which, does *not* require cracked glass).  Remember again (as if you could ever forget) how much you absolutely love, love, *love* cooking; even when glitches happen.  For this step, if you don't have a daughter, you may substitute any loved one your heart thinks of at the moment.
  15. After you arrive back home, throw some fresh onions, mushrooms, carrots and potatoes into the crockpot.  I like to chop or dice these goodies; you're free to skip this step if you so desire.  (But don't blame me if they don't cook thoroughly.)  Stare at the celery waiting to be cut, then change your mind because (a) you're over cutting up veggies at the moment and (b) the crock pot is full; there simply is no room left to add anything else.  Cook on low for a couple more hours.
  16. Eat your dinner.  Glass-free.  Enjoy!
See?!  Was I right?  Is this not the most fabulous recipe of all times?!

Do you think it will be featured on the Food Network?  I should probably start planning the outfit I will wear when they interview me . . .

As always, thanks for reading!
Let me know when you'd like to come over for dinner; I'll be sure to make the above dish for you.  You'll love it!

Be blessed,

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