Saturday, October 12, 2013

Facing Fear and Moving Forward

This is one of those blog posts that has been swirling around in my grey matter for several months now.  Sometimes a blog post inspiration will hit and I can immediately sit down and type it out right then and there (or as close to then and as close to there as possible).  Other times, a blog post will only initially show me glimpses of itself and then simmer among my thoughts for a while before it is truly ready to see the light of day.  Fiddle, just between you and me, I've had some writings simmering for a few years.  Yep.  They're simply not ready until they're ready.  There ya go.

Something else about today's blog post; and of which is very rare for me:  I still don't have the title for it.  Usually, I know the title before I even type the first word of the blog entry; today is not such a time.  Let's hope that I have a title for this little gathering of words before I need to post it; I'd hate for it to wander aimlessly through the web of world wideness without a name for itself.

Happily, I don't dwell in too many fears, or rather, the fears do not dwell in me.  I'm a big believer in giving fears over to Our Lord and letting His Peace reside where the fears were trying to bully their way in.  Life works better for me that way.  Did you know that the Bible is replete with passages telling us not to fear (regardless of the reason for the fear)?  Absolutely replete.   Fear not!  Do not be afraid!  Again and again, His Word commands us to not fear. 

Speaking of commands, I firmly believe that every command that Our Lord gives us has a two-fold purpose:  the first is obviously to glorify and honor Him.  The second purpose is to protect us.  Every command carries a blanket of protection for us; either physical protection, emotional protection, spiritual protection or a combination of any any or all of these types of coverings.

And yet, even knowing this, even firmly believing it down to my bones, I still have a few fears that seem to taunt me.  The thing about fears is that if we allow them to hang around, then they also become huge obstacles in our lives.

And, that's why I'm writing about two specific fears today . . . I no longer want such univited guests in my life.  So, I'm going to bring them out of the inner recesses of my thoughts and expose them - here, where anyone who wishes to read about them may.  Fears love secrecy; it's one of their most potent weapons that they wield.  Take away the secrecy and fears tend to wither and blow away.

Y'all may remember reading in my most previous blog post that I have had more than a few seizures while taking a shower (or soon after getting out of the shower).  In fact and without exaggeration, not only have these "shower seizures"  caused more than one serious injury to myself, it has also cost Tex and me more than a couple of thousand dollars repairing damages to the bathroom because of such stupid seizures (of course, *all* seizures are stupid in my opinion; these, especially so).  I'll elaborate if you want me to; but you'll have to specifically ask.

So, without realizing it, somewhere along the line I developed a fear of taking showers.  Most of my showers are taken while I'm the only person at home.  And, almost. every. single. time. . . . thoughts of shower seizures enter my grey matter at some point during the shower.  Sometimes I wait till Tex gets home to take my shower; but that's not really very feasible for myriad reasons; one of them being that often in the evenings, we are on a time schedule for one thing or another.  For those of y'all who are now saying to yourself, "So, take your shower first thing in the morning" - that's not really a possibility neither . . . for whatever reason, taking a shower "first thing" after I wake up is usually a guarantee of a seizure.  There ya go.

Most of the time, this goofy fear is simply a nuisance.  Yes, I really would like to be able to attend to my personal hygiene without having to think and pray myself through the process every time.  I truly don't like that seizures take up so much of my thoughts and attention.  But other times, the fear is a bit more looming.  No, I'm not huddled up cowering in a corner because of this; but still, being skittish about taking a shower can be quite intrusive . . . not to mention just a big dumb nuisance.

The other fear that I want to tell y'all about today deals with, of all things . . . seizures.  Yep.  Them, again.  This time, in regards to how they affect my business.

Back in July, I wrote this post about some of the after-effects of having a seizure.  It can take a few days to physically heal from a seizure; longer, if there are serious injuries.  It can then take a few more days to be able to come out of the mental funk that I find myself in post-seizure.  Remembering that what's going on is a direct result of the seizure and reminding myself and doing what I can to get past it is all well and good . . . and, I'd like to take a moment right here to say absolutely God bless my wonderful husband, for he does everything he can to help me get through the "post-seizure" stage.  I deeply love and cherish that man; for myriad upon myriad reasons.

. . . Even remembering and knowing and doing everything I can to recover as quickly as possible after a seizure, it still can take more time than I'd like and it still can temporarily bring my world to a bit of a halt.

Therein lies the fear regarding seizures and my business.  How will I be able to meet deadlines if I'm trying to recover from a seizure?  That has been pervading my thoughts for a couple of years now; and I truly believe it is one of the reasons why I have been so slow to actually fully bring my business out of hiatus.  There ya go.  I've written it and have brought that ugly, ugly fear to the light of day.  And now, I'm truly fighting to not delete what I have just written; for I don't really want y'all to know how much I have struggled with this.  I also don't want to lose credibility and I don't want to appear unprofessional.

I want y'all to think that I have it all together.  But.  Those seizures . . . those stupid seizures . . .  they interfere and muck up things.

BUT!  There are people out there being very successful in their businesses while dealing with various illnesses, disorders or diseases.  So, why not me?  Yes, why not me?!!   Most definitely!

I have a seizure history.  Hopefully the last seizure I had will be the last seizure I'll ever have.  That is always my hope and my prayer; especially given the recent developments during the past few months and coupled with the new information I have learned.

But these fears - about taking showers and about running my business . . . they're all about "what ifs".  I don't want to live my life based in fear of "what ifs".  I want to live my life, living it in the here and the now. 

Today, at this very moment, I am seizure-free.  In fact, as of right now, I have been seizure-free for 12 weeks and 2 days.  WooHoo!  THAT's what I want to focus on; not on the ick and yuck of "what-if"-based fears.

I leave you with one of my favorite "Fear not!" Scriptures:

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand

                                                       (Isaiah 41:10)

I'd love to hear from you.  Are you struggling with a certain fear in your life?  My encouragement to you is to let it go!  Get rid of that stumbling block; it has no value to you whatsoever.

Thanks for reading!
Y'all be blessed,

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